Has it ever occurred to you how much violence there is in your relationships? For some of you the violence comes about as physical abuse. For most of you the violence comes about as emotional conflict. Is there a single person you know that has a relationship free of all violence?
Emotional violence in relationship takes many forms including: intolerance, anger, jealousy, sadness, a desire to control, judgment, belittlement, greed, frustration and emotional withdrawal. What is the cause of this conflict and violence? Why is it that we create such negativity towards those that we call friend and lover?
It seems to me that a useful story to help understand this is:
Imagine that we each have a little tyrant living in our minds. This litte tyrant has a checklist of things that are required of those around us. The little tyrant checks his list regularly to make sure that our relationships are meeting all of his requirements. When someone doesn't meet the checklist then the tyrant gets upset. When the tyrant gets upset he magically creates bad feelings in your body.
This little tyrant is very smart... he's been in your mind for a very long time and knows you well. He creates just the right bad feeling at just the right moment to cause you to feel maximum pain. He's trying to get his way afterall. He wants the people you know to match his checklist. Sometimes you resist the little tyrant. When you do he gets even more upset. The longer you resist, the more he creates bad feelings in your body.
Finally, when you cannot stand it any longer, you act out to make the tyrant happy. You just want the bad feelings to stop. The little tyrant whispers the reason why his checklist isn't being met to you. He whispers things like "She shouldn't be looking at you that way." or "Are you going to take that from him?" or "They think you're stupid when you do that." The little tyrant always has a reason and a plan of action for you to take to make things okay with him. So, you act because of the tyrant-created pain. You lash out, you make others wrong, you hold grudges, you try mightily to make others match the tyrant's checklist. Sometimes you even lash out at people that have nothing to do with what caused the tyrant to get upset. That's the power of the tyrant's torture.
If you succeed in changing the situation then the tyrant relaxes for a while. But, watch out! He's still checking his list... and the next time someone doesn't match it he will torture you again!
Of course, in reality, there's no little tyrant. There's only you and The Image. The little tyrant is caused by your belief in The Image. When people don't match your image of them, you create bad feelings in your body. When life doesn't match your image of it, you create bad feelings in your body. You literally torture yourself just like the little tyrant in the story.
You are the little tyrant.
Do you see how this causes all of your discontent with the world? Reality doesn't match your checklist so you torture yourself. Your precious object breaks and you torture yourself. You get a bad grade and you torture yourself. Someone looks at you funny and you torture yourself. You get cut off in traffic and you torture yourself. You lose your job and you torture yourself. You lose your hair and you torture yourself. You see wrinkles on your face and you torture yourself. Your husband cheats on you and you torture yourself. People are fake around you and you torture yourself. You literally have a million reasons to torture yourself.
So, you live a tortured life... going from one drama to the next. Always looking for peace where you cannot find it. You beg for peace and cannot find it. You subject yourself to countless hours of psychoanalysis and cannot find it. You meditate and cannot find it. You pray and cannot find it. You cry and you cannot find it. Try as you might you are tortured... by yourself.
How can you free yourself from this? Awareness. You aren't aware of the little tyrant acting through your image of the world. And, because you aren't aware of it, you don't understand it. Because you don't understand it you are at its mercy. The problem is, it's merciless. You're merciless to yourself.
How can you free yourself from the little tyrant? Be aware of the checklist that you have in your mind. Watch how you constantly check the world against your list of how it should be. See clearly how you create the bad feelings in your body when your checklist is violated. You're doing this to yourself.
When I say watch and see, I don't mean with your eyes. I mean with your awareness. Be aware of yourself. Be aware of your body. Be aware of your thinking. Be aware of your checklist. Be aware of your little tyrant.
You know, the little tyrant can't get away with what he's doing if you're aware. It's only when you're asleep -- when you're not aware of him -- that he can get away with torture. Like a thief in the night, he comes when you're sleeping. Wake up! See the little tyrant of your own creation and watch him like a hawk. Then you have the option to be free of his torture.
What you do with that freedom is up to you.