The word is not the thing. The image is not the thing. The concept is not the thing. The memory is not the thing.
So, what then is the thing? It can be experienced but not known. You can taste it but not speak it. You can speak it but not hear it. You can hear it but not see it. You can see it but not touch it. You can touch it but not conceive it. It is what it is not.
This is the secret… this is the key; to know it as unknowable. Only then will you experience it – whatever “it” is.
The word “green” is not green. The image “green” is not green. The concept “green” is not green. The memory “green” is not green.
So, what then is green? It is what it is not. This is the secret… this is the key; to know it as unknowable. Only then will you experience it – whatever “it” is.
Tuesday, September 7. 2010
Marriage is a Spiritual Practice
It's been a while since I've written anything on my blog... something I've been meaning to remedy for some time now. With my 17th Anniversary upon me, it seems appropriate to write at length about marriage today. What better way to get back into the swing of things, don't you agree?
People get married for all kinds of reasons. I'm sure, on the surface, many people would say they get married because they're in love. They "love" an other and want to stay with that other forever. The other agrees, and they choose to formalize their agreement to stay together legally through marriage. There's a definite weight to the formality of legally binding marriage that you cannot easily ignore. It's easy to say "I love you baby"... but it's another thing entirely to promise, under threat of legal recourse, to stay with someone until death. Marriage, as a contract, is an interesting beast with fascinating undercurrents of mistrust, insecurity and control.
Because of this, there is a growing segment of the population that decides to pass on marriage altogether. I can see their thinking. I mean, if two people really "love" each other then why do they need a legally binding contract to prove it or to back it up? There's a nugget of truth in that statement. It makes some sense, doesn't it?
From a purely financial benefit, there's at least two good reasons to be married over just living together: tax breaks and health insurance. To those of you that have decided to live together but are fearful of marriage, don't forget about the financial benefits of "tying the knot."
Beyond the financial benefits, there's a much deeper value to marriage that I've discovered over the years. One that I feel compelled to share with you. I'm coming to that, albeit through a slow and meandering path.
Love in marriage is wonderful if you have it. I observe that many people do not have it. They have dependence and requirement. Love is the happy result of seeing reality. In marriage, just like in the rest of life, people refuse to see what's in front of them. They are focused on The Image and not on reality at all.
Many people never make it to this point of seeing reality and so they never truly love. If you're fortunate enough to brush with death, you may catch a glimpse of it. Yet, can you get there without suffering or mortal peril?
Anyone that's been married for enough years will tell you that your "love" for each other changes over time. At first, there's the excitement of a new relationship. You're busy enjoying each other -- especially where you fulfill each other's needs in new ways (sexually, financially, conversationally, emotionally, etc.) But, as time passes, you habituate to one another. You become used to each other. The initial excitement passes and you are left with the day-to-day drudgery of real life. Raising kids and paying bills....
What happens once you know your spouse completely and totally? When you know all their habits... all their insecurities... all their fears... all their interests... all their jokes... all their stories... all their history? What's left after you can no longer be surprised by your spouse? What then?
I tell you, it's just at this moment of habituation that the true value of marriage becomes easiest to see. It took me years to get to that point of habituation with my wife. And, it took me a few more years still to see what was really before my eyes. Do you know what I saw... and what I continue to see?
I see perfection. After the infatuation passes and there's nothing else to learn, what's left is the reality: Perfection. Seeing past the habituation and into the perfection... in this way marriage is a blessed spiritual practice.
My wife, Heather, is perfection itself. Does this mean she doesn't make mistakes? No. Does this mean that she's got a perfect body? No. That she never gets angry? No. That she's always polite? No! These things are a determination of the mind. A comparison of perception to the stored memory of ideals. This is not what I mean. I've discovered that building a relationship on the comparison of perception to ideals is a fool's errand. There is no capacity for love or happiness in that direction. Stay away from there!
Heather is, quite literally, perfection. There is not a thing about her I would change. Not one. Can you say the same about your spouse?
My relationship with Heather has given me a gift of incalculable value: sight of reality. Perception of perfection. Through the years of struggle trying to make Heather in my image of her there was finally acceptance. After acceptance there was sight of reality... of perfection.
This is the "secret" to a happy marriage. Seeing the perfection. Once you see it, there's no turning back. There's no harm that can be done. You are at peace regardless of what happens. You'll ride the roller coaster of marriage and know it's a ride. Finally.
The most breathtaking thing for me is how Heather has done this for me without a thought or intention. She's simply being herself. Yet, through her unconscious "selfness", I have received this greatest of gifts.
There are no words powerful enough to thank her... no gesture grand enough to encapsulate my thanks. And, so, I sit dumbfounded as I contemplate the awesomeness of her perfection and the invaluable impact she's had on my life.
I see you Heather and love you. Thank you so much for being.
People get married for all kinds of reasons. I'm sure, on the surface, many people would say they get married because they're in love. They "love" an other and want to stay with that other forever. The other agrees, and they choose to formalize their agreement to stay together legally through marriage. There's a definite weight to the formality of legally binding marriage that you cannot easily ignore. It's easy to say "I love you baby"... but it's another thing entirely to promise, under threat of legal recourse, to stay with someone until death. Marriage, as a contract, is an interesting beast with fascinating undercurrents of mistrust, insecurity and control.
Because of this, there is a growing segment of the population that decides to pass on marriage altogether. I can see their thinking. I mean, if two people really "love" each other then why do they need a legally binding contract to prove it or to back it up? There's a nugget of truth in that statement. It makes some sense, doesn't it?
From a purely financial benefit, there's at least two good reasons to be married over just living together: tax breaks and health insurance. To those of you that have decided to live together but are fearful of marriage, don't forget about the financial benefits of "tying the knot."
Beyond the financial benefits, there's a much deeper value to marriage that I've discovered over the years. One that I feel compelled to share with you. I'm coming to that, albeit through a slow and meandering path.
Love in marriage is wonderful if you have it. I observe that many people do not have it. They have dependence and requirement. Love is the happy result of seeing reality. In marriage, just like in the rest of life, people refuse to see what's in front of them. They are focused on The Image and not on reality at all.
Many people never make it to this point of seeing reality and so they never truly love. If you're fortunate enough to brush with death, you may catch a glimpse of it. Yet, can you get there without suffering or mortal peril?
Anyone that's been married for enough years will tell you that your "love" for each other changes over time. At first, there's the excitement of a new relationship. You're busy enjoying each other -- especially where you fulfill each other's needs in new ways (sexually, financially, conversationally, emotionally, etc.) But, as time passes, you habituate to one another. You become used to each other. The initial excitement passes and you are left with the day-to-day drudgery of real life. Raising kids and paying bills....
What happens once you know your spouse completely and totally? When you know all their habits... all their insecurities... all their fears... all their interests... all their jokes... all their stories... all their history? What's left after you can no longer be surprised by your spouse? What then?
I tell you, it's just at this moment of habituation that the true value of marriage becomes easiest to see. It took me years to get to that point of habituation with my wife. And, it took me a few more years still to see what was really before my eyes. Do you know what I saw... and what I continue to see?
I see perfection. After the infatuation passes and there's nothing else to learn, what's left is the reality: Perfection. Seeing past the habituation and into the perfection... in this way marriage is a blessed spiritual practice.
My wife, Heather, is perfection itself. Does this mean she doesn't make mistakes? No. Does this mean that she's got a perfect body? No. That she never gets angry? No. That she's always polite? No! These things are a determination of the mind. A comparison of perception to the stored memory of ideals. This is not what I mean. I've discovered that building a relationship on the comparison of perception to ideals is a fool's errand. There is no capacity for love or happiness in that direction. Stay away from there!
Heather is, quite literally, perfection. There is not a thing about her I would change. Not one. Can you say the same about your spouse?
My relationship with Heather has given me a gift of incalculable value: sight of reality. Perception of perfection. Through the years of struggle trying to make Heather in my image of her there was finally acceptance. After acceptance there was sight of reality... of perfection.
This is the "secret" to a happy marriage. Seeing the perfection. Once you see it, there's no turning back. There's no harm that can be done. You are at peace regardless of what happens. You'll ride the roller coaster of marriage and know it's a ride. Finally.
The most breathtaking thing for me is how Heather has done this for me without a thought or intention. She's simply being herself. Yet, through her unconscious "selfness", I have received this greatest of gifts.
There are no words powerful enough to thank her... no gesture grand enough to encapsulate my thanks. And, so, I sit dumbfounded as I contemplate the awesomeness of her perfection and the invaluable impact she's had on my life.
I see you Heather and love you. Thank you so much for being.
